You Are Not a High-Performer
How Labeling is Limiting
This is part 4 of a series on receiving feedback. You can find other parts of the series at the bottom of this post.
Readers - thank you for joining me on this journey and giving me a reason to continue writing this series on receiving feedback. This process of finding ways to simplify my experience and learnings into digestible suggestions has taught me so much. I’m especially grateful to write these next few posts - they’ve pushed me to reflect deeply on a question that I’m still trying to understand - why does feedback hurt?
In these next few posts, I’ll use some science, but mostly reflection to present my view on why we feel when we receive new perspectives.
In this post, I’ll talk about labels.
Box of Labels
"The beliefs we have about who we are, our identity, creates the boundaries within which we live our lives." - Tony Robbins
We trap ourselves with labels - a set of characteristics we use to define ourselves.
We spend most of our lives condensing, simplifying, and eliminating unknowns around us. We create an identity for ourselves which acts as a model that we use to predict the future. We constantly ask, “Knowing who I am, how can I maximize my happiness? How can I minimize my disappointment?”
We start identifying with this box of labels and use it to guide our behaviors.
"One of the strongest needs within our personality is to make certain that our behavior is consistent with our identity, even if the identity we hold for ourselves is negative." - Tony Robbins
We forget that we created the box and think we are the box.
Sometimes we receive a label from others:
“You’re not detail-oriented.”
And sometimes, the label comes from ourselves:
“I missed the deadline again. I’m so slow.”
“They pointed out that my code quality could improve. I can never get it right.”
Regardless of the label’s origin, a new label requires resolution. Does it fit into our label box? Does it agree or conflict with our existing labels?
Constructive Feedback
When constructive feedback doesn’t result in a label, it is data that serves to enhance our performance and color our model of the world. Unfortunately, we’re in the habit of searching for labels. When we hear “you could’ve organized your presentation better,” we wonder, “What does this mean? Are they disappointed? Do they still view me as a reliable coworker?”
This challenge to our identity confuses and agitates us, and we react.
“I thought I was a reliable coworker, but maybe I’m not.”
Or
“I could’ve organized my presentation better? But I spent so much time on it - I’m competent!”
You are not a high-performer.
Labels are the problem.
Labels attempt to diminish who we are into simple, predictable entities when we’re neither simple nor predictable. Observe your complexity by paying close attention to your thoughts and actions. You’ll notice contradictions and excuses.
I label myself as anti-drama, but find myself tuning into certain Twitter accounts just to entertain myself with their ranting.
I claim to be a strong supporter of women, but find it impossible to stand up for myself (a woman) in certain workplace situations.
I claim that I lack confidence while forgetting that every week I publish my thoughts and share them with hundreds of strangers.
Labels are static, but our nature is dynamic. Why would we be a few things, when we can be everything - ever-changing and ever-flowing? What if you’re not a high-performer, but you’re also not not a high-performer? What if you’re much bigger than any set of labels?
Labels can come extrinsically from others or can come intrinsically from our interpretations of what others have said. In either situation, we want to prevent ourselves from applying labels automatically and unconsciously.
If we are able to pause after receiving feedback and before applying a label, we can mitigate the sting and prevent adding another metric with which we measure ourselves.
I’ve practiced a few strategies that can help with this: paraphrasing, leading towards observations, and honing your awareness.
Paraphrasing
Humans are expert pattern-matchers. We identify cats instantaneously and can predict what will happen when a bouncy-ball hits the floor.
We use these powers of interpretation in conversations to see past the words of our counterparts. “They said XYZ, but what do they mean? What do they really want?”
Sometimes interpretation happens so quickly and imperceptibly that we lose the separation between what our counterparts said and what we think they said. They comment on our work, but we hear a label.
Paraphrasing is a tool that can help us revert our swift self-labeling process and focus instead on what our counterparts actually said and meant.
Teammate: I've observed that you haven’t shown up on time to our daily standups recently.
Paraphrased: So you've noticed I don’t show up on time to meetings.
Teammate: No, you show up on time to all meetings except daily standups.
Leading Towards Observations
Paraphrasing helps us catch ourselves before we create and accept a new label, but sometimes we receive labels directly from our counterparts.
“You’re not a good planner.”
“You’re slow for your level.”
“You’re a high-performer.”
While these labels appear to be fair assessments, they lack nuance and dynamism, and they’re simply inaccurate - are you a high-performer in all dimensions, all the time? If you fail to deliver a project on time does that make you not a high-performer?
Accept your counterpart’s perspective, but pause before accepting a new label from them. Lead the conversation towards observations and actions. Use paraphrasing so your teammate hears what they said and has an opportunity to correct it.
Teammate: You’re not a good planner.
Paraphrase + Lead: You’re saying that I’m not a good planner. What have you observed?
Teammate: You haven’t followed up on our team offsite plans regarding the venue.
Paraphrase + Lead: You’ve observed that I haven’t followed up with our team offsite plans. Have you observed anything else that made you feel that I’m not a good planner?
Teammate: Not really, just that.
Lead: Got it. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I’ll follow up with the venue.
Honing Your Awareness
Awareness starts with observation. You pay attention to the present moment - how deep are your breaths? What’re your hands doing? How do the bottoms of your feet feel?
Use awareness to notice when and how you’re applying labels to yourself. Notice how a new label makes you feel. During that mindful pause, remind yourself that you’re more than a set of labels.
Positive Labels
At their worst, labels create discomfort and defensiveness and reinforce negative behaviors. At their best, they help you reach your goal of being who you want to be.
“I’m organized.”
“I’m kind.”
“I’m reliable.”
...are a few positive labels I give myself.
As Tony Robbins stated, it’s in our nature to want to behave in a way that’s consistent with our identity. An intentional and aspirational label can create an identity shift that aligns with our goals and pushes us past our limits. But when the acceptance of a label becomes an attachment, it can lead to shame.
A few human moments of deep sadness or physical exhaustion can challenge our positive labels. And it takes just a few more un-mindful moments to apply a new, negative label: “I thought I was kind, but I just snapped at my partner. Maybe I’m not kind.”
I can trace most of my destructive spirals to these moments where I had to reconcile my actions with my chosen positive labels.
Is it possible to be who we want to be without applying positive labels?
Yes - with a healthy dose of trust:
Trust that you don’t need to label yourself a high-performer to consistently create impact for your company.
Trust that you don’t need to label yourself a kind person to put others’ needs before your own.
Trust that if you make a mistake or “fail,” you’re not a failure. You can try again and succeed.
The label isn’t important, your actions are.
Language
I’m a few years into the practice of not using labels to define myself, but I still use them when I speak about myself with others. They serve as shortcuts. I can tell you that I try to eat healthy every day and exercise four times a week, or I can say, “I’m health-conscious.”
It’s hard to break the habit of using labels, especially when labels seamlessly encapsulate our mannerisms, but it’s worth trying.
We can change our behaviors by changing the stories we tell ourselves. Language is powerful; minimizing your use of labels and speaking instead about your observations and actions will help you pay attention to your observations and actions. It will break down your metaphorical label-box and reveal new possibilities that remained invisible as long as you classified yourself as this or that. My label of being a “bad writer,” kept me from writing and publishing my entire life until this year.
To draw inspiration from the Buddha: try dropping your labels, and see the change for yourself!
Conclusion
We all have a sense of identity that we define by a set of labels. We do our best to keep our behaviors consistent with our labels and in turn, become trapped by them. They limit our behaviors and cause us pain.
To prevent ourselves from accepting new labels from feedback, we can paraphrase, focus on observations, and practice awareness.
Use awareness to pay attention to when you apply a new label, and how it makes you feel. Try to remind yourself of your complexity, unpredictability, and dynamism. Maybe you can’t predict what will make you happy, but embrace the mystery - it could open up new adventures and opportunities!
If you found this post useful or interesting, please help me by sharing it!
If you haven’t read my previous posts about receiving feedback, you can find them here:
Part 1: Receive Better Feedback by Asking - describes why and how to ask for feedback
Part 2: Listen, Lead, and Grow - describes how to listen and ask questions during a feedback conversation
Part 3: Preparation Makes Perfect - describes how to prepare for a feedback conversation to get the most out of it.